So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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