24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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