it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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