im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
