I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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