I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
