Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
