and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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