I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
