I feel like abortions should bother me more
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
