i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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