new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So vagazzling was a success
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
