party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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