Cold hands, warm shart.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
