If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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