Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
