I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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