I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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