so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
