Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
