apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just high enough for therapy.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
