he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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