By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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