I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
