It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
