oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
