she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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