good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
