We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
