his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
