I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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