No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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