Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
