Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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