I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
