I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
