and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh god it's open bar.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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