OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
