i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
