life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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