Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
