she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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