i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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