Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
well you can't waste a boner
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
