I have demons in me.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
