Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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