So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
