I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
