I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
