He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
